Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
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Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
yeah no that’s fair
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.