My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
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This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?