COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
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Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
congratulations to them
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.