a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
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*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Finally! 😈
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically