“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
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BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?