It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
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my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
A duv-egg? In this economy?
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.