Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
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I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.