The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
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For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Me: how are you
Friday: good