Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
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I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
apparently this year was written by stephen king
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
wtf is an acronym
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Goat cheese is for herders.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
he’s sick of your bullshit today