I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
You Might Also Like
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.