Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
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How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
knights of the ikea table
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.