Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
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First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
dutch so unserious
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
“what that mouth do?” complain
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado