Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
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my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.