my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
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How do you like your Corgi?
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.