Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
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squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn鈥檛 contain?
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I don鈥檛 know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 馃槈
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I鈥檝e never given your dog a massage.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I鈥檓 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues