no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
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ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
You have been warned.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist: