Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
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support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Just say no