Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
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me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Milk Cube
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.