me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
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Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.