this FaceApp is creepy af
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so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.