GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
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[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.