A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
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Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.