All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
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Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Well well well…
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life