Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
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I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music