Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
You Might Also Like
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
you stereotypes are all alike
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
saw this in a dream
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?