The pen is writier than the sword.
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Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…