The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
You Might Also Like
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.