4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
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The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
it was love at first sight
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
This probably isn’t good
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon