PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
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There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
My sex drive has a dui
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead