Thursday Thought.
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ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.