[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
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Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Are we there yet?…
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.