A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
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Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
If only
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I created you as mosquito food.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*