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*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done