Happy Febuary everyone!
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On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
tis the season
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner