Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
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“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell