My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
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when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I’m giving up for Lent.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.