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I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
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