No time to explain get in the wood chipper
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You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
The symmetry is uncanny.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Sunday
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.