*3.5 thank you very much.
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I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
lol
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”