The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
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My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.