My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
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*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”