wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
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Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
won’t smith
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”