a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
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My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure