The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
You Might Also Like
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
good work, everybody
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies