If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
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Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
i wish we could shoplift online
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.