me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
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WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”