*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
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So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.