When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.