I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
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Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
181.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Ain’t no way
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.