Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
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Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
When the stylist spins you back around
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.